Do you ever wish for...


Not upon someone else but suffering for you? Is it odd that I do? You do, I'm guessing, and you ask your own, (and I'm now just asking it as well)
Why would you ever want suffering? WHY? why? .... why?

I guess because I think by going something really really hard, it makes it easier to:
feel happiness, to feel anything.
have a good reason for being so not-happy.
be taken from monotony.
have a hard push towards better.
To be closer to God.

I am feeling far far away from him right now. I miss him, I miss how we were, I miss KNOWING him and having him consume my thoughts. The frustrating thing is I know how to fix it all, and I know who and what I am supposed to be and I'm not it, I don't even feel like I'm even on my way to it right now. So why don't I just do it then? Why can't I just leap? What is it that is holding me back from it all? It is daunting. The simplest tasks and questions seem so daunting. People always ask in movies,"Where are you God?" I'm here asking "God, Where am I?"

My relationships are good, my business is good, I'm not doing anything negative, some would even say I'm doing good ... I SHOULD be happy, I SHOULD be doing MORE,
and I'm not.

So if life is great and I'm not...
maybe if I was suffering I would be...


  1. i think you are wonderful! don't let your unhappiness ruin you good life :D maybe talking to someone about it might make you feel better :D

  2. There have been a couple of particularly dark periods of my life where I felt distant from God. I could make lengthy lists of things I didn't believe, but couldn't have told you anything that I actually did believe. For me, there was never any peace in trying harder or doing better. Peace came from letting go of expectations that others had set for me. Never let anybody (especially me) tell you what your relationship with God should look or feel like.

    The wonderful thing about God, is that She will be whatever you need her to be. If you're into novels, I found Levi Peterson's The Backslider to be extremely enlightening.

  3. I've been feeling this EXACT way lately. Seriously. I decided to listen to a few conference talks and this one struck something in me. http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/desire?lang=eng

    i hope that link works, if not it's Desire by Dallin H Oaks.

  4. I have been feeling a lot like this here lately. I feel like things are going well enough for me, but I have made God feel far away and I know if things were hard I would need him closer.

  5. It's not weird to want to feel suffering like you're explianing. I think it's actually very much normal. I'm not a religious person so I doubt that what I have to say about that would be helpful ;) but I do agree with Reuben the best thing you can ever learn is how to let go. Not just of what others expect of you but of what you expect for yourself. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't have goals and push yourself but learning when to cut yourself some slack is crutial to happiness. Let go of all the things you put everything into and spend a little time just being (and don't feel bad about it!!) For me it's yoga and cooking/baking. Sometimes a nice easy flow yoga helps other times it's an intense focused yoga. You can't feel great all the time even when things are going well just like you can't feel shitty all the time when things are going badly.


Thoughts? Questions? Comments?