To My Lusilia Lou: For your Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Bug!

           You are officially a toddler in my eyes, not only because of your year age but because yesterday you got your 8th tooth and ate an ENTIRE banana and you can stand up all by your self.... when you want to. Yesterday was your birthday and you had SO much fun. You got to eat and entire cupcake and pull out an entire box of tissues and play and laugh and do whatever you wanted to.. you didn't even take a nap.. and it's ok because it was your birthday.            I have been thinking over this letter several days now and the most interested thoughts I have had is how incredible you are... and you are 1! It's funny to me that I can look up to a 1 year old. That I can be intimidated, impressed, and inspired by you. I want to be a better person because of you... I want you to blown away by me like I am by you.           Lusi, know that you are astounding. I hope and pray evey day that you know how much you are loved, and just how incredible you are. We were at the grocery store the other day and this older woman came up to me to tell me how gorgeous you were. This happens pretty often but this time was different, she continued her praises with "and oh my goodness! and Look at those eyes, she is a smart one, you can tell in her eyes, she's special." A complete stranger can even tell that you are meant for greatness. You WILL change the world with your love and talent... I have never been more sure of anything... and maybe it's because you have already started.         I don't know if other woman feel like this Lusi, but I remember from a very early age feeling incomplete, feeling a hole deep in my chest. From fairy tails and disney movies I learned that what would fill that hole and make me complete would be "love". A man would find me and sweep me off my feet and make me ME. I spent much wasted time trying to find him, making myself believe that certain men where "him"and it caused me much ache and pain....a pain that felt like constant missing, I was always missing someone and always trying to find out who.           Then I met the "him" and he made me laugh, and made me make my own decisions, and let me do whatever I wanted, and he loved me... LOTS... and I knew I wanted to spend forever with him. And you know what? I still felt that hole....  and it was ok. I came to the conclusion that the only person that would fill it would be me. That I would spend, probably, my entire life finding purpose and meaning and who and what I was supposed to be and only then would the hole be gone and that pain and pressure and missing ache, deep in my chest would be gone. 
          March 3, 2010 at 12:30pm I was lying in a hospital bed. The warm subtle sun streaked through the blinds onto my pink night gown as your daddy laid with his arms wrapped around me and I had you,  tightly snuggled into my arms, sleeping soundly with puffy eyes and pink lips. It was the most perfect moment of my life. I was at peace, I was content, I felt like the most amazing person in the world, and I had you. You, who I'd been missing, who'd I'd been waiting for!.... and it was gone..... the pressure and the pain and the ache... and all the pain from past bad decisions that I'd been carrying around for years.... was gone. Who knew it would be you that would heal me? That would make me whole?          When you were still in my belly I kept wondering how I was supposed to be entrusted with you, how I was supposed to make you into who you were supposed to be? and how God could ever give give you a mother like me? ... He didn't give me to you, YOU miss Lusi would become amazing regardless of who you came to, ...he gave you to me. Because I was the one that needed YOU.        Happy Birthday Lusilia. You are amazing. Thank you... Thank you for coming and making me whole,              for making me a mother. 
                                       -Mom